Unstorying Family Conflict
Power properly understood is nothing but the ability to achieve purpose. It is the strength required to bring about social, political, and economic change. . . . And one of the great problems of history is that the concepts of love and power have usually been contrasted as opposites—polar opposites—so that love is identified with the resignation of power, and power with the denial of love. Now we’ve got to get this thing right. What [we need to realize is] that power without love is reckless and abusive, and love without power is sentimental and anemic. . . . It is precisely this collision of immoral power with powerless morality which constitutes the major crisis of our time.
—MARTIN LUTHER KING JR.,
“Where Do We Go From Here?”
"She did, he did." And so it goes on. So much time is spend storying the conflict, using narrative to try to understand what is happening and to position yourself in a justifiable, perhaps even heroic light. No matter how far you take this process it does not lead to harmony and collaboration. But neither will a simplistic and naive view of collaboration. At the heart of the equation is a paradox and the resolution of this paradox is counterintuitive. A failing of us humans as the narrative animal is that our narratives focus around IRONY. If you listen closely, between the lines of each story you can hear an anguished voice whispering,
"The irony is, I gave all of this..."
"The Irony is I did all of this..."
"And look what I got back."
It is so hard to let go of the personal. I know. I'm still doing it. I invested so much into those narratives, I pulled them close. They were fuel for me holding on to the high standard of care I was accused of. Anger and the injustice became my friends
Think about it, irony pulls us apart. It is a polarizing force. How many of us can resist polarization in a conflict? It seems to us that if our spouse, business partner or family member is too much of ANYTHING, we must balance them by swinging a bit to the other-side. Become a counterweight. They see you move further out on the teeter toter countering what they feel is their "balanced position" and so they set their center-of-gravity further out. Over time this get intrenched and each person wonders how they became the person they became in the conflict.
Unstorying Conflict
I believe a central way through is to spend time exploring the paradox itself. Understanding the underlying dynamics that are occurring. This I call a process of unstorying conflict.
The central paradox that humans have explored since the cave walls at Lascaux are LOVE and POWER. This paradox is at the very heart of being human. Nearly every story we tell is an exploration of this theme, this dynamic. It is so natural a dynamic that it is like water being invisible to fish, it is the very medium that they swim in and so remains invisible. The dynamic between love and power are like this for humans. An essential aspect of consciousness is this dynamic becoming visible.
Depersonalization
Depersonalizing the conflict is not dehumanizing, it is quite the opposite. The challenge is that we must start to put more and more time into understanding both the paradox and seeing the conflict in terms of each person's motivation rather than the "details" of the conflict. There is an inherent drive in unconscious human storytelling to uncover the flaws in the other as part of our narrative process. We believe this helps us understand what is taking place, but in family conflict where we cannot simply demonize each other and move on, it traps us in the conflict.
We need to see the many forms that love and power take in Elder Care. Lets take a looks at some quotes that can educate us.
Generative Power and Degnerative Power (Over or with)
"The power drive involves the processes of differentiation and individuation, and the love drive involves homogenization and integration."
An explanation of power’s generative root: “The drive of everything living to realize itself, with increasing intensity and extensity.” Paul Tillich
See every place where love and power are in play. Explore every aspect of situation in terms of love and power. Reframe!